


My hands still shake but I reach for you

by kissyledss



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Blood and Violence, Bobby Nash Being a Dad, Caring Eddie Diaz, Denial of Feelings, Emotions, Evan "Buck" Buckley as a Navy Seal, Evan "Buck" Buckley is cold, Explicit Language, Hope is a dangerous thing, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Christopher Diaz, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Injured Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Post Lawsuit, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Eddie Diaz, Protective Maddie Buckley, Recovery, Training, U.S. Navy SEALs, Unbroken, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:06:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22248346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissyledss/pseuds/kissyledss
Summary: Life passes from an instant, like the flutter of a butterfly, from keeping you on top of the asphalt to slapping you in the face and leaving you in a state of fight-or-flight...and that was what had happened to Evan "Mark of the Devil" Buckley, the last three years of his life.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 17
Kudos: 108





	1. The beginning of the end

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please forgive any of my mistakes since this isn't my native language. I feel like we have many stories full of Buck being sweet, compassionate, forgiving and being very calm and that's why I decided to make this story with a different Buck, a dark Buck. Enjoy. xo

Evan was lost, that was the harsh truth, he was floating in this limbo that was getting darker and darker as the days continued to pass in front of his eyes. The man felt that time was slipping through his hands, like desert sand, and that his figure was beginning to fade from the memories of his family. _His family,_ he thinks bittersweetly, a group of people who were only for him the first few weeks after a truck crushed his leg, and who didn't even bother to be for him the days after the tsunami. But, don't misunderstand the situation, Evan understood that he was not a priority in the life of his loved ones as much as they were in his, and he was _fine_ with that. He was _fine_ with Hen spending quality time with him a few hours a day, with Bobby being a pain in the ass forcing him to go to physical therapy, with Chimney going to visit him with Maddie a few times a week. He was _fine_ until the days became weeks and the weeks became months. And, above all, he was _perfec_ t with Eddie's decision to keep Christopher away from him. 

Because who in their right state of mind would trust his son's life, _again_ , to someone so irresponsible and immature that almost caused his death? 

Evan was more than in agreement with that decision, he would also do it if he were in Eddie's place, to be honest, although that didn't stop his heart from hurting for the loss of _his_ little boy. A child that Evan was beginning to feel like his, that he wanted to watch him grow up, whom he wanted to support in everything and put it in a bubble so that he will never be hurt again. But Evan will never have that because once again he managed to ruin everything good in his life. He was _a failure_ , and when the only thing that could keep him sane in those moments was taken from him- _again,_ his mental state was gradually deteriorating.

Nightmares prevent him from sleeping, pain killers for his body take away his appetite and his family's distance to him makes his mind go to dark places. So when Bobby confesses that he has been the one who prevents him from being a firefighter again, Evan acts with hot blood running through his veins, however, it never goes through his mind to sue the department and the city. And, above all, sue his captain. But _he does,_ because his mind is in a dark place and a lawyer who is only interested in money makes him enter in a fight-or-flight state of mind. 

"Oh, Evan. This is _fight-or-flight_. Are you going to fight for the only thing that will save you from oblivion or will you flight like the coward they think you are?" The lawyer says, a poisonous tone escaping his lips and a calloused hand squeezing the back of his neck. "Remember that they don't love you anymore, for what you've told me they don't even care about you, so what do you say?" he keeps pressing, Evan's head hurts and his eyes burn but the tone of this lawyer whispering in his ear makes _everything_ make sense even if it doesn't. "Just say the words, baby, "Chase Makey whispers, his lips too close to Evan, "Say the magic words and I'll get you your sanity back." He finishes, the hand in Evan's neck sliding down his back and landing on top of his butt. 

Evan is in a place that is not the present, at least mentally, his body succumbs and he replies, " _Yes_ , please..." And those are the two words that, in the future, will turn him into the _Mark of the Devil._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to explore this bizarre side of Buck's lawyer! Let me know what you think! ;)


	2. We won

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, It's been a while since the last update and I'm so sorry about that so thank you for waiting. 
> 
> TW: Light harassment.

_Two_. A word, a simple number that for ordinary people is the one that follows the one and precedes the three. A simple digit that accompanied by bad decisions, stained a spot of fury and shame in his life -a deal, that Evan ended up designing himself with the poisonous influence of Chase Makey at a time when his mind was in a dark place. Two months since he decided to sue the department, two months full of regret and wondering if his family will take him back after _all_. That is what was causing him so much heartbreak and pain in the last first few weeks.

_Overwhelming distress_ , his doctor said after that some weird things happened to him and he decided to go to the doctor. _You have to take care of yourself, no strong feelings, try to relax and isolate yourself a little bit. Stop fighting and just let yourself brake through, Buckley._ He was okay with following those instructions but then a few questions about him were made and he ended up running off the building. 

_Have you slept in the last month? Yes. In a bed? Yes. Wait. No. Yes. Have you been eating? Of course. I think so. Have you been feeling depressed? No. No. No. Have you thought about hurting yourself? Next. Have you...? Next. Are you okay? Next. Evan, please sit down. Evan!_

The next thing he knows is that he's running away, like a coward. _Again._ He's running and his feet are burning but he can't stop because if he stops then he won't be able to breathe and if he's not able to take a deep breath then he's gonna have a panic attack in the middle of somewhere. _Somewhere._ He doesn't even know where he is right now. Away from LA? That has to be impossible, he can run but not that fast, not that far away of himself. 

His phone starts to ring. Buck takes a deep breath and picks up the phone. "Hello?" His voice sounds harsh, his breathing is erratic and he's a second away of having a breakdown but all of that goes away when the voice of his lawyer comes from the other side of the call. 

"I have a gift for you, Evan," Chase says, voice full of something that Buck can't describe. He waits. "I'm gonna give it to you _now_ so come to my office quickly." He says and Buck is sure that his heart stops. A surprise? What does that even mean? He doesn't know but Chase said _now_ so that's all it takes for Buck to start running again. 

* * *

When Buck arrives, Chase is in his office. His hands are working fast in some documents, his mind is buried in deep thought and his face is doing a grin of concentration so he doesn't even look up when Buck enters the room.

"What's the surprise?" He says after a few moments of silence. Buck can't stand it, not anymore. He sees how Chase stars to relax in his chair, legs wide open and a hand on his thigh. 

"First of all, hello to you sweetheart," he says with a big smile and he licks his lips before starting to talk again, "second, I promise you your sanity back and I'm a man that keeps his word," he declares, full of pride with his left hand reaching his tie, "and last but not least, we won enough money for you to never work again and your kids and the kids of your kids and their kids too," his lawyer says with so much happiness but all that Buck can think of is _for you to never work again._

"W-what?" Buck asks, his voice is lost. _No_. "I don't want the money, I want my _family_ , Chase." He says and he can feel himself starting to spiraling all over again. "You promised me that I would get my _sanity_ back..." Buck whispers, his body feels numb and he's crying now.

Buck doesn't see when Chase gets up or when he's behind him. "If you want your sanity back, you'll have to work for it..." Chase whispers in his ear and Buck feels his hot breathe, his hand above his stomach. "You'll do it very well..." Those last words are the ones that Buck hears before all goes to hell. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of your kind words, they mean the world to me! xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u. Feedback and kudos are very appreciated. tw: @kissyfearless.


End file.
